Blood and Tears
by domina tempore
Summary: Five tragedies, a lifetime of tears. A mother never truly recovers from the loss of her child.


_Author's Note: This is one of the darker things that I've written, certainly the darkest I've ever shared. None of the site warnings quite cover what I've written, but I feel that I should warn for possible triggers; I've touched on some heavy themes. Nothing explicit, but painful (the summary should give you something of an idea). _

**ovo**

Adria was not the only baby that Vala had lost.

Her first baby was at fifteen. She hadn't know any better then; she was young, she was bored, and her stepmother had told her not to see 'that boy'. A few months and a missed cycle later the witch was dragging her around to questionable doctors with dirty hands to 'get rid of the problem' before her father found out and the town shamed them. Which really mean that she was embarrassed that she couldn't control her stepdaughter.

(Now, Vala thought Jasik might have been proud of her; he would have seen the whole thing as an extortion scheme to get money from the wealthy boy. Vala had just wanted to keep her baby.)

Within a week of her stepmother learning of her pregnancy, the baby was gone and Vala was sick and in the worst pain that her young body had ever experienced.

**o**

Her second baby was a few years later at the much more mature and confident age of eighteen. Out of her stepmother's clutches, on her own and taking care of herself, she befriended and was betrothed to a bright young prince type. He was the son of the leader of a small village on a quiet, happy little world, and she thought she was in love with him.

This time, there were no doctors, no nasty potions or painful procedures; just Vala and her enthusiastic lover anticipating the birth of their child with delight. He kissed her and took care of her, and for eight months she was safe and happy.

(On this world, the sex of a couple's first baby determined the marriage rites of its parents. When Vala's child was stillborn, she was disgraced and shunned from the town for bringing misfortune upon them and cursing their prince.)

**o**

Vala's third pregnancy had been a complete surprise, the result of a one-night stand at an inn that she frequented. In spite of her reputation as a hopeless flirt, she was actually quite careful who she slept with. The trader who had fathered her child had been the first man in over a year to make it to her bed. She made no effort to find him, deciding that she could cope just fine without a man. Her _real_ mother had always managed without Jasik.

(She later found out that this man was a loyal servant of Qetesh, and he had been 'scouting the market' for a new host-body that would please his mistress. She'd been taken by the false goddess's Jaffa barely a month after she recognized her pregnancy, and Qetesh had invaded her body. And the Goa'uld could not – and had no interest in – sustaining her host's child. She did, however, revel in Vala's anguish at this loss.)

**o**

And then, there was Adria. Violating and frightening conception aside, Vala had carried her as normal, felt her grow as normal, and birthed her as normal. Adria had left the womb a beautiful, healthy, _living_ baby.

But Vala had never held her, never nursed her or rocked her or even just looked at her like a mother should look at her daughter. Instead, she had watched the baby taken away in the moment of her birth. She had seen her grow in mere hours, and had been forced to sit helplessly by as the child who should have been so small and innocent turned into the blazing figurehead that the Ori had intended her to be, missing all of the important bits of 'normal' childhood.

(Vala had later watched as her daughter, descending farther into darkness, had died not once but twice. She couldn't help but wonder, as the fresh waves of pain collided with the still-raw wounds from her first three children, if she was being punished for some unforgivable sin she was unaware that she'd committed. Why else should every one of her children have to die? She had certainly tried hard enough to protect them.)

**o**

Her baby on the Odyssey had been a light, a beacon of hope and love and purpose in the lonely world of the time-dialation field. She had told Daniel first – she always told Daniel, even when he already knew – and then General Landry and Sam. Mostly, she admitted, because she wanted to have someone else to share the excitement with. But when Sam had used the Asgard core to conjure up some fancy-looking medical equipment (she said it was like 'an ultrasound, but with extra bells and whistles') to have a look at the child's progress, she had become troubled. With tears in her eyes, she had informed Vala that her baby was not going to live for very long. She would certainly not carry to term.

(It was the one thing that she didn't tell Daniel. She had smiled when he caressed her belly and whispered to the baby, and she couldn't bear to take his joy. Vala knew that he would be upset with her later when he realized that she knew; but that was worth it to see him glow. Besides, this was her punishment to bear, not his.)

No one could understand the grief of losing a child, let alone five of them. Dressed in new pajamas (because her old ones were covered in blood) Vala let Daniel hold her and rock her when she mourned because he wanted to, not because he shared her pain. In turn clinging to him and pushing him away, Vala let go and allowed her walls to shatter. With a flood of hot tears poured her grief and guilt and agony for all of her babies. The ones who could not be saved.

(He could offer her whatever comfort he saw fit, but Vala knew better by now. A mother never truly recovers from the loss of a child.)

_fin._

_Note: I wasn't sure if I should add the Odyssey stuff (since it's technically negated), but I thought it was important. Also, the two times that Adria "died" are the beginning of "Counterstrike" (when they thought she died), and in "Dominion", for timeline reasons._


End file.
